Top Stephen Colbert Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Stephen Colbert Biography

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Tyrone Colbert (/koʊlˈbɛər/; born May 13, 1964) is an American comedian, television host, actor, and writer. He is best known for hosting the satirical Comedy Central program The Colbert Report from 2005 to 2014, and the CBS talk program The Late Show with Stephen Colbert beginning in September 2015.

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Stephen Colbert Quotes

So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a baboon with my heart would be practically unstoppable. Baboon strength and agility combined with my determination and media savvy? It would be a threat to all of humanity.

Determination, Figuratively, Heart, Implant, Media, Probably

We all deserve credit for this new surveillance state that we live in because we the people voted for the Patriot Act. Democrats and Republicans alike. . . . We voted for the people who voted for it, and then voted for the people who reauthorized it, then voted for the people who re-re-authorize d it.

Act, Credit, Live, People, Surveillance, Surveillance State

Republicans will need to work hard to capture the Latino vote instead of their current strategy of capturing Latinos.

Capture, Hard Work, Instead, Needs, Strategy, Vote

Trump will not respond to reasoned argument. He will not be held accountable for the things he said. All you can do is point and laugh. Because the devil cannot abide mockery.

Argument, Devil, Laughing, Point

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Pants, Self, Stupid, Wait, Waiting

Hatemongers like Media Matters take innocent statements like mine, Rush Limbaugh's, John Gibson's, and Bill O'Reilly's and make them offensive by posting them on the Internet, allowing the general public to hear words that were meant for people who already agree with us. Hey, Media Matters, you want to end offensive speech? Then stop recording it for people who would be offended.

Bills, John, Media, Offended, People, Posting

The cost of living keeps going up, although death is surprisingly affordable.

Affordable, Cost, Cost Of Living, Death, Keeps

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge. . . or when I want to create some.

Firsts, Knowledge, Looking, Want, Wikipedia

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

America, Americas, Bowl, Cake, Tonight, Willing

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.

Climate, Feels, Like, Reality, Support, Truthiness

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

4Th Of July, Care, Declared, Father, Political, World

Foreign newspapers: if they've got nothing to hide, how come they don't print them in English?

English, Hide, Ifs, Newspapers, Print

Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion.

Fighting, Hurt, Retirement, Sorry, Working

Warmth is to sun, as truth is to me.

Sun, Truth, Truth Is, Warmth

I don't trust books. They're all fact, no heart. And that's exactly what's pulling our country apart today. Because face it, folks, we are a divided nation. Not between Democrats or Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided by those who think with their head, and those who know with their heart.

Book, Country, Democrats, Folks, Heart, Trust

What are the origins of dressage? Did just, one day, some young horse say to his dad, 'Dad, I don't want to charge into battle. . . I just wanna dance'?

Battle, Charge, Dad, Horse, Wanna

Truthiness is "What I say is right, and [nothing] anyone else says could possibly be true. " It's not only that I feel it to be true, but that I feel it to be true. There's not only an emotional quality, but there's a selfish quality.

Emotional, Nothing, Quality, Selfish, True

Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.

Competition, Like, Race, Rick, Texas

You don't need the right facts if you have the right inflection.

Facts, Ifs, Inflection, Needs, Right

You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.

Book, Look, Look Up, Looks, Truthiness

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