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I haven't had sex in two and a half years. A guy I met in San Francisco gave me a sympathy blow job. It didn't really work. I said, "You're just doing this 'cause you feel sorry for me. " We stopped in the middle.

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Conan O'Brien

The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

Army, Government, Said, Say, War
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A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U. S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.

Baby, China, Smartphone, Smartphones, Study, Yeah

Fall down. Make a mess. Break something occasionally. Know that your mistakes are your own unique way of getting to where you need to be. And remember that the story is never over.

Fall, Mess, Mistake, Story, Unique

Marco Rubio announced he's running for president. Fun fact: Marco Rubio's wife is a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader. In other words, she knows how to generate fake enthusiasm for someone who's not going to win.

Enthusiasm, Fun, Rubio, Running, Winning

Link Wray is the all-time legend.

Guitar, Legend, Legends, Link, Links, Wray

Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.

Country, English, Inspired, President, Successful
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