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I do better singing female songs because my voice is so high-pitched.

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Rodney Dangerfield

They change the sheets every day. . . from one bed to another.

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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

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We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

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You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

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