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America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.

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Dane Cook

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

Airport, Airports, Flight, Miss, Missing, Running
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I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

Brain, Creativity, Guess, Love Is, Squeeze

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

Brain, Constipation, People, Running, Runs

Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause. . . There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!

Ask, Car, Judging, Round, Running

You must accept responsibility for your actions. This doesn't include reactions, interactions or transactions if you're thinkin' loophole.

Accept, Acceptance, Action, Loophole, Responsibility, Transactions

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

Falling In Love, Feelings, Incredible, Incredibles, Know, Love
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