I start to get the feeling that something is really wrong. Like all the drugs put together

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I remember being a bathtub singer. You know, the type that sings and everybodys like, Shut up.

Elizabeth Wurtzel

I start to get the feeling that something is really wrong. Like all the drugs put together – the lithium, the Prozac, the desipramine, and Desyrel that I take to sleep at night – can no longer combat whatever it is that was wrong with me in the first place. I feel like a defective model.

Drug, Feeling, Night, Sleep, Start, Take

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That is all I want in life: for this pain to seem purposeful.

Being Sad, Depression, Life, Pain, Purposeful

Some friends don't understand this. They don't understand how desperate I am to have someone say, I love you and I support you just the way you are because you're wonderful just the way you are. They don't understand that I can't remember anyone ever saying that to me. I am so demanding and difficult for my friends because I want to crumble and fall apart before them so that they will love me even though I am no fun, lying in bed, crying all the time, not moving. Depression is all about If you loved me you would.

Depression, Fall, Friends, Fun, Lying, Support

. . . if you feel everything intensely, ultimately you feel nothing at all.

Everything, Feels, Ifs, Intensely, Nothing, Ultimately

Depression is a lot like that: slowly, over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program for total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearale. But you won't even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getter older, about turning eight or about turning twelve or turning fifteeen, and then one day you realize that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a horror and a black blot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you are going to live.

Blot, Coming, Getter, Heart, Morning, Thinking

I want to explain how exhausted I am. Even in my dreams. How I wake up tired. How I’m being drowned by some kind of black wave.

Black, Dream, Drowned, Exhausted, Kind, Tired