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I played Winnie the Pooh in first grade. I was an early adopter of standing in front of people and looking like an idiot.

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Rob Delaney

I use Twitter as a tool to get involved with people, to sell tickets to gigs where I can stand in a room and smell the audience - and I love that!

People, Smell, Tool, Tools, Twitter
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Running is special. We've all done it: well, poorly, focused, in fear, being pursued, toward a goal. It's just elemental. Running is like fire.

Done, Fear, Funny, Running, Special

I don't think of marriage as the drudge work that a lot of sitcoms and movies might have shown it to be, I think it's more deadly murderous rage, unadulterated passion, soul-crushing purgatorial dread. . . It's more interesting.

Crush, Interesting, Passion, Thinking, Work

The best thing you can do when you're not feeling funny is go out and get more stimuli from the world, get out and walk around, read a book, go talk to some birds or a dog and replenish the well, as it were.

Bird, Book, Dog, Funny, Stimuli, World

I can say that I'm a feminist and I try to be progressive and all that stuff. But I when I'm tired or when I've been thrown up on for the second time that I'm just a tired man trying to keep it together. I've had a lot of jobs over the years and people who make television - it's ridiculous how much they're lauded and paid. It's irresponsible and stupid. But it is hard work. It's very difficult to balance having three young kids and working like that. So I owe my wife an enormous debt of gratitude. I feel guilty that the kids had to be grown in her body and she hasn't been able to work.

Gratitude, Hard Work, Irresponsible, Stuff, Stupid, Young

It's probably not love if you don't press your face to the toilet seat after they've used it to feel their warmth.

Laughing, Love, Press, Probably, Relationship, Used
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