Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.
Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.
Homo sapiens are the only mammals who intentionally hold Beard Of Bees competitions.
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.
The man who invented instant pudding was moved to action by an inability to wait for pudding.
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.
Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.
When you break life down, it's about 100% time management.
Being funny is not the same as being happy.
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions.
One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping.
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's ball's fault.
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed.
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire.
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.