Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.
I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
That which does not kill you usually circles around and tries again.
You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is true. That's essentially the way it works.
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper.
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around with your dong out.
Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech.
The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.
There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible.
Always remember, you don't stop shitting your pants because you grow old. You grow old because you stop shitting your pants.
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.