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I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

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Greg Giraldo

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

Dead, Graduates, Life Is Short, Positive Life, Short, Stay Positive
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The Japanese scientists just found a 25,000-year-old mammoth in the ice in Siberia, and they're about to clone it. . . You think the Japanese of all people would want nothing to do with prehistoric animals after what happened with Godzilla.

Animal, Found, Prehistoric, Siberia, Thinking, Years

People always want to compare their dogs to having kids. That's insulting. First of all, nobody has a dog because they were too drunk to pull out.

Dog, Having, Kids, Nobody, People

There's been so much talk in the news lately about illegal aliens in the workplace. When was the last time an illegal alien stole your job? Oh yeah, that dream job of the Chinese Delivery man pedaling up Broadway delivering Chinese food for 40 cents an hour, or on the back of a landscaping truck with 15 others.

Alien, Delivering, Dream, Jobs, Lately, Men

Everybody thought that Titanic was the most romantic movie ever. A story about two teenagers who knew each other for three days. Try to make that movie with a couple that's been together for a few years. 'Get in the goddamn boat, Rose!' 'I don't wanna get in the boat!' 'Get in, come on, I'm freezing my ass off out here! I wanted to go to Jamaica, but no, we had to go on a cruise in the middle of the winter!' 'You never draw me naked anymore'

Couple, Teenager, Winter, Years, Days

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

Actually, Eye, Hate, Mind, Moron, Son
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