Dana John Gould (born August 24, 1964) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, voice artist, and comedian who has been featured on HBO, Showtime, and Comedy Central.
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because basically I experience my life through two primary emotions: fear and suppressed fear.
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.
Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.
In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face.
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes.
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.
The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.
We would have never gotten mace had someone not thought, There must be a good way to burn someone's eyes.
I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.
The gun legislation was doomed the minute it became associated with the words common sense.
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right
Now that the Sanctity and Holiness of heterosexual marriage has been destroyed, are they going to cancel The Bachelor?
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.
Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.
What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.