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Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

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Rodney Dangerfield

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

Living, Nineteen, Physically, Singing, Waiter, Wife
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Beauty, Crazy, Funny, Okay, Told

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

Dead, Dog, Play, Roll, Wife

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Finger, Know, Mouths, Sticks, Ugly

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Funny, Kid, Moved, Moving, Parents, Pregnancy

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Cook, Dental Floss, Floss, Kitchen, Roaches, Wife
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