It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to … - Craig Ferguson

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Every woman should wear make-up. It takes years off. I'm wearing lots of false eyelashes today, and to me, lipstick is the best cosmetic that exists.

Craig Ferguson

It's Earth Day today. Let me tell you something about polar bears. They're endangered but you have to be careful because a polar bear is one of the few animals that will stalk a human. If you go to where polar bears live, it might stalk you and when you're on the plane going home, it might be behind you reading.

Animal, Animals, Bear, Home, Let, Reading

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Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.

Birth, Trump, Vaccinations, Want, Who Cares

When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs. ' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.

House, Needs, Rating, Sign, Think, Thinking

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

Country, Health, Limbaugh, Passed, Upset, Years

I don't know how much of a natural human I am. Y'know, the truth is, I never set out to do that, and I don't think of myself like that. I don't think like that. It's not really about promotion - I don't really understand the idea of promotion, talking to a camera for more money. That's just money. And I like money, don't get me wrong. I don't know. I don't get it. I don't understand it as much as you don't understand me, I think.

Know, Natural, Promotion, Thinking, Truth Is, Understand

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.

Greeted, Make, Morning, Paris, Transaction, Weather