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I would spend more time with my children. I would make my money before spending it. I would learn the joys of wine instead of hard liquor. I would not smoke cigarettes when I had pneumonia. I would not marry a fifth time.

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Johnny Carson

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Accepted, College, Drafted, Same, Son
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My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Business, Congratulations, Hand, Hands, Success, Working

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now. "

Attitude, Bore, Bores You, Boys, Seeing, Towns

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Birthday, Christmas, Keep, People, World

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Democracy, Income, Life, Republican, Sex

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

Lightning, Relatives, Side, Statistics, Winning
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