Some of us are born big-minded with small penises. Others have big penises and small-minded.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die. " And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!
I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies. . . You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
I always get a little uppity when I hear the phrase 'TV actor. ' It's like saying you're a magazine reporter. I was in the theater for ten years before I ever had a TV audition.
I think women become more wrapped up emotionally in men when sex is involved. And I think men have a much easier time of having innocuous, meaningless sex for pleasure. It's just how we're built genetically.
One should treat one's fate as one does one's health; enjoy it when it is good, be patient with it when it is poor, and never attempt any drastic cure save as an ultimate resort.