[F]or contemporary judgment does not recognize that much depth of soul is needed to light up the picture drawn from contemptible life and elevate it into a pearl of creation.
I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.
While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.
The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.
I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
I didn't know much about golf growing up.
An old-timer is someone who can remember when a naughty child was taken to the woodshed instead of to a psychiatrist.
You never know what's going to happen, so you just continue with your head down and never expect things to start being handed to you.
I beg people not to accept the seasonal ritual of well-timed charity on Christmas Eve. It's blasphemy.