A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.
I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin. '
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going: I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi.
I don't have a disregard for my reader in humor pieces.
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
The only things that I can tell you is that every case I have reviewed I have been comfortable with the innocence or guilt of the person that I've looked at. I do not believe we've put a guilty. . . I mean innocent person to death in the state of Texas.
A tax cut is really one of the anecdotes to coming out of an economic illness.
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they're going to stay that way.
I love poking fun at myself. I have a rather mean sense of humor.
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
A sense of humor always withers in the presence of the messianic delusion, like justice and truth in front of patriotic passion.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
I performed for the U. S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.