Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
But if you don't watch me, I will try and sneak in some humor. I see humor everywhere in life around me.
If you're a guy, you have absolutely no idea what's going on at any time in the relationship, ever. Here's what you know: you know when you're getting laid, and you know when it's all over. Those are the only two things you're aware of.
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
It appears that America's anti-Biblical feminist movement is at last dying, thank God, and is possibly being replaced by a Christ-centered men's movement which may become the foundation for a desperately needed national spiritual awakening.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
We should fund the armies of compassion, we should not discriminate against faith-based programs.
The world likes humor, but it treats it patronizingly. It decorates its serious artists with laurel, and its wags with Brussels sprouts.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
To be witty is not enough. One must possess sufficient wit to avoid having too much of it.
If you want to feel good, be rational.
Nothing seems too high or low for the humorist; he is above honor, above faith, preserving sense in religion and sanity in life.
My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat. "
I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. " Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World. ' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.
Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like, 'WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!'