I am still of opinion that only two topics can be of the least interest to a serious and studious mood - sex and the dead.
I have lived a carnal life.
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die. " And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!
I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies. . . You really want to impress us? Bring us back our FLAG!
We came here to a country that was populated by Arabs and we are building here a Hebrew, a Jewish state; instead of the Arab villages, Jewish villages were established. You even do not know the names of those villages, and I do not blame you because these villages no longer exist. There is not a single Jewish settlement that was not established in the place of a former Arab Village.
I used to play works in progress to people, but now I wait 'til it's finished, because you make excuses all the time: 'Well, there's gonna be an orchestra on it. ' Rather than make excuses, wait 'til it's finished, and then they can say they don't like it.
I think life is instinct, and I just really go by that. That's one of the things I've learned - to always trust my instinct and it's always served me well.
I love Stewart Lee's 'Comedy Vehicle' on BBC2. The guy is a genius.