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I'm at the stage in my life that real-estate apps turn me on.

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Mitch Hedberg

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey, how ya doin'? Knock-knock. " "Read the sign, punk!"

Funny, Hey, Humor, Jokes, Kids, Punk
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I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

Bread, Comedian, Ducks, Influenced, Opinion

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

Cool, Funny, Hippopotamus, Humor, Opotamus, Really Cool

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

Dude, Funny, Grapes, Humor, Wine, Wino

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

Birthday, Buy, Candle, Funny, Humor, Store

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Away, Flyer, Funny, Hands, Humor, Saying
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