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David Henry

Nothing can burst your fatherly bubble faster than hearing your daughter come home from a date and saying: 'Some nights I don't know why I even bother to wear panties'.

Bother, Daughter, Fatherly, Home, Nothing, Sex
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I get all excited when I think that someone's 1-900 sex call from a cell phone might be passing through my body right now.

Excited, Passing, Phones, Sex, Think, Thinking

It was only after I untied my girlfriend from being face down on the bed that I learned her screaming, 'Asshole!' was a statement about my character and not an invitation or request.

Asshole, Bed, Character, Girlfriend, Screaming, Untied

At a wedding last week, my wife said: 'Isn't the bride beautiful ?' When I responded by saying, 'Yeah, but her blowjobs aren't half as good as yours', she got all pissed off. Women - they can't take a compliment!

Beautiful, Blowjobs, Pissed, Pissed Off, Wife, Yeah

Whenever my teenage daughter comes down the stairs dressed like a tramp for her date, I think to myself: 'Damn, why won't her mother wear something like that ?'

Daughter, Like, Mother, Sex, Tramp

Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Orange Stars. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Man, I never know if I'm looking at a bowl of cereal or having another acid flashback.

Food, Heart, Hearts, Orange, Purple, Stars
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