Scheme not to make what's Another's your own; Be not a Dog for the sake of a Bone.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?
Shia [LaBeouf] was great. He's just high energy. He's into really playing, and I had to be on my toes in a way that I wasn't necessarily expecting.
I have done conferences explaining that cloud is a bad idea. It's putting all your eggs in one basket.
What's the main thing that makes magic magic? The fact that no one believes that it's possible.
Of all wild beasts preserve me from a tyrant; and of all tame a flatterer.