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In one point the plan was fatally defective, since it involved the deadly enmity of a race whose character and whose power were as yet but ill understood,--the fiercest, boldest, most politic, and most ambitious savages to whom the American forest has ever given birth.

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Bill Bailey

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

Boredom, Combusted, Fire, Funny, Humor, Tantalizing
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It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Funny, Good, Humor, Show, Vegetarian, Vegetarianism

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Contentment, Happiness, Knowing, Knowing Someone, Right, Wrong

Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Blokes, Littles, Stupid, Three, Unfolds, Whole

You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey, the so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing. Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Bafflingly, Confused, Eight, Funny, Paralyzing, Philosophical

The day after tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life - that way you've always got a couple of days in hand.

Couple, Hand, Hands, Way
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