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It’s amazing how much panic one honest man can spread among a multitude of hypocrites.

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Eugene Mirman

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

Dog, Growing Up, Speaks French, Excuse, Library
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I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

Baby, Dad, Drinking, Father, Fathers Day, Kid

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

Bike, Education, Kids, Know, People, Thinking

I like the idea of being sort of withdrawn and mysterious, and what can be more mysterious that someone wearing a trash bag, like a dark trash bag, with eye holes that say "nihilism?" You'd be curious. What's underneath that? Is it perfect? Or is it broken?

Dark, Eye, Idea, Ideas, Nihilism, Sort

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

Internet, Phones, Sometime, Summer, Wait, Winter

You just can't make up random information and say it sarcastically and have it make sense. You can't just be like, 'I went out on a date with a Jewish girl. She was more rude than a wolfcat - an animal I've made up and decided is rude.

Animal, Dating, Decided, Girl, Say, Wolfcat
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