I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, … - Jim Gaffigan

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The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"

Jim Gaffigan

I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

Hands, Usa, Looks, Like, Universal

Same Author Quotes

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to. Who wants to ?'

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After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!

Everything, Funny, Hot, Like, Pockets, Taste

I do kind of aspire to do comedy that appeals to a wide range of audiences and doesn't divide people. I never want to do material that makes people laugh at the expense of making other people feel bad - not to say I'm not guilty of that at times. . . . I try and make humor out of the really important issues of the day, like Hot Pockets and elevators and not wanting to get out of bed.

Issues, Laughing, Material, People, Wanting

I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call "indoorsy". . . My wife always brings up, "Camping's a tradition in my family. " Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.

Call, Camping, House, Loves, Married, Wife

I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.

Acting, Exhausting, Know, Like You, Parenting, Up Early