I deny the fact that when I kill time, time is actually killing me
I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better. '
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.
My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?
If you just remember to breathe and smile before you act, you’ll always make the right decision.
The flux of life is pouring its aesthetic aspect into your eyes, your ears - and you ignore it because you are looking for your canons of beauty in some sort of frame or glass case or tradition.
Things really began to move for us. In 1953 I could afford to marry Doreen.
Theyʹre shooting at us,ʺ I said incredulously. ʺTheyʹre actually shooting at us!