Top Chic Murray Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Chic Murray Biography

Charles Thomas McKinnon "Chic" Murray (6 November 1919 – 29 January 1985), was a Scottish comedian and actor. He appeared in various roles on British television and film, most notably in the 1967 version of Casino Royale, and portrayed Liverpool Football Club manager Bill Shankly in a musical. In 2005, he was named in The Comedian's Comedian.

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Chic Murray Quotes

I took my father on a coach trip last summer. We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.

Brick, Funny, Hurt, Lost, Mind, Summer

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it. "

Break, Fall, Funny, Lying, Matter

A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.

Funny, Humor, Machines, Neighbour, Shredded, Tweet

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

Bought, Dress, Dresses, Dry, Funny Marriage, Married

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

Boat, Egg, Eggs, Funny, Humor, Long

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

Bears, Funny, Humor, Lunch, Place, Two

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

Funny, Humor, Man, Men, Sabbath, Scot

My sister wanted a cat for a pet. . . I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

Bark, Dog, Funny, Humor, Pet, Sister

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he's been pushed for money ever since.

Father, Feed, Funny, Mother, Rented

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

Funny, Humor, Love, Met, Time, Tunnels

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

Funny, Humor, Kippers, Like, Sleep

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

Black, Funny, Humor, Told, Wife

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

Bones, Course, Funny, Humor, Looks, Remove

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

Advertisements, Funny, Humor, Luxury, Poor, Time

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

Funny, Humor, Japanese, Parent, Parents, Understood

She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.

Classy, Funny, Girl, Tattoo, Though

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches - two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

Bread, Funny, Humor, Luxury, Spaces, Two

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

Funny, Humor, Pleased, Say, Slow, Teacher

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Bed, Father, Funny, House, Mother, Time

I was taking my dog out the other day and I met this chap who asked me where I was going. The dog is foaming at the mouth, so I explained that I was on my way to the vet to have it put down. He asked if it was mad, to which I replied that it wasn't exactly pleased about it.

Dog, Down, Funny, Mad, Pleased

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