With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had. ' The waiter joined me.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks. . . but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !
You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride. . . ? I wonder what I was blushing about?
All tragedies are finished by a death, All comedies are ended by a marriage.
The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.
Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
I think weddings are sadder than funerals, because they remind you of your own wedding. You can't be reminded of your own funeral because it hasn't happened. But weddings always make me cry.
When a man makes a woman his wife, it's the highest compliment he can pay her, and it's usually the last.
If you want your wife to listen to you, talk to another woman.
Everything comes to us from others. To Be is to belong to someone.
I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.
Sex in marriage is like medicine. Three times a day for the first week. Then once a day for another week. Then once every three or four days till the condition clears up.
God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.
There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will.
Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.
One's fantasy goes for a walk and returns with a bride.
We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities.
There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'