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Harriet Lerner Biography

Harriet Lerner, Ph.D., (born November 30, 1944) is a clinical psychologist, a contributor to psychoanalytic concepts regarding family and feminist theory and therapy, and also, the author of many books written for the general public. From 1972 to 2001 she was a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas and a faculty member and supervisor in the Karl Menninger School of Psychiatry. During this time she published extensively on the psychology of women and family relationships, revising traditional psychoanalytic concepts to reflect feminist and family systems perspectives.

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Harriet Lerner Quotes

The happiest people are focused on living their own life (not someone else's) as well as possible.

Focused, Happiest, Living, People, Possible, Wells

Marriage is the lightning rod that absorbs anxiety and stress from all other sources, past and present. When marriage has a firm foundation of solid friendship and mutual respect, it can tolerate a fair amount of raw emotion. A good fight can clear the air, and it's nice to know we can survive conflict and even learn from it. Many couples, however, get trapped in endless rounds of fighting and blaming that they don't know how to get out of. When fights go unchecked and unrepaired, they can eventually erode love and respect, which are the bedrock of any successful relationship.

Couple, Erode, Marriage, Mutual, Nice, Stress

We're vulnerable to repeating history, especially if we don't know what's driving us. For example, it may be a family tradition to marry someone with addiction problems, or who is an injured bird in need of caretaking. Or, you may be drawn to guys who remind you of your distant, unavailable father -- or your ill-tempered mother -- with the unconscious belief that you can take an old story, and through the power of your love, give it a new, happy ending.

Addiction, Bird, Father, Mother

Your children are not little mirrors reflecting back the good or bad job you've done.

Bad, Children, Done, Job, Jobs, Mirrors

We'll always be disappointed if we believe that we can plan for a peak experience and make it happen. True joy can't be anticipated or planned. It just strikes.

Believe, Disappointed, Happen, Peak, Personal Growth, True Joy

Often when someone apologizes - like a parent who says to a child, "I'm very sorry I neglected you when you were a kid" - they also ask, "Do you forgive me?," because they want the other person to be over it. However, healing can take a great deal of time. And if we forgive too quickly, we cut the process short.

Children, Deal, Healing, Like, Sorry

Although it's not useful to drown in despair, it's also not useful to keep a 'positive attitude' when this means concealing or denying real emotions.

Attitude, Despair, Drown, Mean, Positive, Real

While women once acquired relationship skills to "hook," "snare," or "catch" a husband who would provide access to economic security and social status, the position of contemporary women has not changed that radically. Much of our success still depends on our attunement to "male culture," our ability to please men, and our readiness to conform to the masculine values of our institutions.

Changed, Economic, Husband, Security, Skills, Women

In long-term relationships. . . we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness. . . we confront the challenge of sustaining both--without losing either.

Balance, Challenge, Challenges, Long, Separateness, Sustaining

There are some things for which there is no apology, and on the question of slavery, there is no adequate apology for ripping people out of their homeland and bringing them here in chains. There is no adequate apology for the ongoing horrific legacy of racism.

Adequate, Apology, Homeland, People, Racism

Request an apology when you believe you deserve one, but don't get in a tug of war about it. Instead, be a role model and tender a genuine apology yourself when an apology is due. Your willingness to apologize can be contagious and models maturity for your partner. Also, your non-apologizing partner may use a nonverbal way to reconnect after a fight, defuse the tension, or show you he's in a new place and wants to repair a disconnection. Accept the olive branch however it's offered.

Accept, Apology, Believe, Due, Fighting, War

My debt to feminism is simply incalculable. Feminism allowed me to see past a 'reality' that I had once taken as a given. It helped me to pay attention to countless voices, my own included, that I had been taught 'don't count. ' Feminism allows me to maintain hope.

Taken, Past, Reality, Debt, Voices, Included

If you exchanged wedding vows, tape them to your bathroom mirror and read them aloud to yourself every morning along with the ritual brushing of teeth. It's not realistic to believe that you will live your promises as a daily practice -- unless you're a saint or a highly evolved Zen Buddhist. Not where marriage is concerned. But you can make a practice of returning to your vows when the going gets rough.

Believe, Buddhist, Highly, Mirror, Morning, Realistic

Differences don’t just threaten and divide us. They also inform, enrich, and enliven us.

Differences, Divides, Enliven, Inform, Threaten

Telling a true story about personal experience is not just a matter of being oneself, or even or finding oneself. It is also a matter of choosing oneself.

Matter, Personal, Stories, Story, Storytelling

As many have observed, it is easy to tell a lie, but it is almost impossible to tell only one.

Easy, Impossible, Lie, Lying, Tell

The term girl not only serves to avoid certain anxiety-arousing connotations inherent in the word woman regarding aggression, sexuality, and reproduction, it also serves to impart a tone of frivolousness and lack of seriousness to ambitious, intellectual, and competitive striving that women may pursue.

Anxiety, Avoid, Girl, Impart, Woman, Women

It is not fear that stops you from doing the brave and true thing in your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you less afraid.

Brave, Life, Problem, Running, Want

We cannot make another person change his or her steps to an old dance, but if we change our own steps, the dance no longer can continue in the same predictable pattern.

Continue, Patterns, Persons, Predictable, Same, Steps

Fear has never helped anybody make good choices. It leads to clinging when we should be walking.

Choices, Should, Clinging, Helped, Fear, Walking

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