As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans … - Andy Borowitz

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I was in uniform for four years, and I know that heroism doesn't occur from taking orders, but rather from people who through their own willpower and strength are willing to sacrifice their lives for an idea.

Andy Borowitz

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Believe, Funny, Lincoln, Romney, Stupid People, Theodore

Same Author Quotes

You can return all the Christmas gifts you want, but you will never get back the time spent with your relatives.

Christmas, Gifts, Return, Spent, Time, Want

Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.

Dashboard, Distract, Funny, Internet, Travel, Worry

A race between Perry and Christie would test whether Americans would rather be executed or eaten.

Americans, Christie, Executed, Race, Tests

The only way to explain how some people dress for the airport is they think no one else will be there.

Airport, Dress, Funny, People, Thinking, Travel

If you are friends with the wrong people, Google+ autocorrects them

Autocorrects, Friends, Funny Friend, Google, People, Wrong

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Patrick J. Kennedy

For students today, only 10 percent of children from working-class families graduate from college by the age of 24 as compared to 58 percent of upper-middle-class and wealthy families.

Age, Funny, Graduate, Graduation, Inspirational, Students

Hillary Clinton

On healthcare we are the prisoner of our past. The way we got to develop any kind of medical insurance program was during World War II when companies facing shortages of workers began to offer healthcare benefits as an inducement for employment. So from the early 1940s healthcare was seen as a privilege connected to employment. And after the war when soldiers came back and went back into the market there was a lot of competition, because the economy was so heated up.

Employment, Past, Soldier, Soldiers, War, Workers

Victoria Principal

I became so consumed with trying to live up to what the public expected that I lost myself. I don't know of anyone else who can say this

Expected, Live, Lost, Public, Say, Trying

Thor Heyerdahl

Idea, Order, Sacrifice, Taking, Willing, Years

Walter Walker

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Benches, Britain, Bureaucracy, Missile, Invented