Top Andy Borowitz Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Andy Borowitz Biography

Andy Borowitz (born January 4, 1958) is an American writer, comedian, satirist, and actor. Borowitz is a New York Times-bestselling author who won the first National Press Club award for humor. He is known for creating the NBC sitcom The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and the satirical column The Borowitz Report. In a profile on CBS News Sunday Morning, he was called "one of the funniest people in America".

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Andy Borowitz Quotes

Christmas never would have caught on if it had been called Celebrate a Little Jew's Birthday.

Birthday, Celebrate, Christmas, Funny Christmas, Littles

Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

Crazy, Funny, Gun, Maybe, Right

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

Dumb, Idiotic, Romney, Said

Welcome delegates to the 2012 Republican Convention! Remember to set your watches back 400 years.

2012, Remember, Watches, Welcome, Years

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Billions, Funny, Money, Nice, Roads, Schools

Let's withdraw from Afghanistan and have the army invade America - that's the only way we'll get new schools and roads.

America, Army, School, Schools

As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.

Believe, Funny, Lincoln, Romney, Stupid People, Theodore

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w
entire world & defriend people one by one.

Funny, Technology, People, Friends, Defriend, World

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Funny Life, Hardest, Life, Life Is, Now And Then, Things

As popular as Christmas is, it would be even bigger if it had vampires.

Christmas, Vampire, Would Be, Bigger, Popular

The Republicans suddenly are very concerned about people losing their health coverage! I would believe that they were worried about our well-being if a) they didn't cut food stamps; and b) they didn't oppose every law regulating guns.

Believe, Cutting, Gun, Guns, Oppose, People

Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.

Billion, Funny, Hour, Hours, Technology, Twitter

Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

Christmas, Funny, Religious, Xmas

Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars. '

Answer, Big, Comedian, Funny, Government

Now that we all agree contraception is a bad idea, let's take a harder look at electricity and soap.

Agree, Contraception, Electricity, Ideas, Looks, Soap

Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.

Acceptable, Christmas, Funny Christmas, Helping, Sweaters

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

Americans, Declaration, Funny, George, Independence, Mourning

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

Candidate, Funny, Liked, Political, Stupid People, Week

Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.

Comedian, Congress, Consorting, Funny, Secret, Usa

US Airways made an $8 billion bid for Delta, including $4 billion in cash and $4 billion in lost luggage.

Bid, Billion, Cash, Delta, Lost, Made

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