I came into this world black, naked and ugly. And no matter how much I accumulate here, it's a short journey. I will go out of this world black, naked and ugly. So I enjoy life.
When in doubt, ignore and be horribly unimpressed
One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.
There are good days and there are bad days, and this is one of them.
Life is a crowded superhighway with bewildering cloverleaf exits on which a man is liable to find himself speeding back in the direction he came.
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.
I don't know what to say so I'll just say what's in my heart. . . badoom, badoom, badoom.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Promises are like crying babies in a theater, they should be carried out at once.
Life isn't a cabaret. It's a dive bar.
It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.
I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.
I tried to be normal once. . . worst two minutes of my life.
There's birth, there's death, and in between there's maintenance.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
A mother is the best friend God ever gave.
He has a heart of gold - only harder.
I am irritated by my own writing. I am like a violinist whose ear is true, but whose fingers refuse to reproduce precisely the sound he hears within.
The gods throw the dice and they don't ask whether we want to be in the game or not.
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.