Life's bare as a bone.
My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.
I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.
I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels. ' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.
The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.
I’m a morning person and a night person. So I have to be a nap person, or else I’m a tired person.
A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again. "
Sleep, my little one, sleep.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.