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Elk have not been seen in Switzerland for many a year. In the interests of scientific accuracy, please strike the idea of elk from your mind. If you must, think of ibexes instead, a fierce and agile type of goat with great spiraling horns. Marmots will also do in a pinch, but under no circumstances should you think of elk. No. Elk. The elkless among you may now proceed.

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David Letterman

Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice.

2050, Global, Ice, Party, Say, Years
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Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking. "

Destination, Driver, Funny, Hitchhiking, Humor, New York

George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint.

Hardware, Mix, Next Week, Paint, Tonight, Watching

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

Inspirational, People, Sharing, Strangers, Tires, Two

I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a pair of Fruit of the Lunatic. . . . Guy was not too bright. He said that the reason he became a suicide bomber was to work his way up in the al Qaeda organization.

Mean, Nigerian, Organization, Suicide, Think, Thinking

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

Business, Businesses, Like, Office Work, Several, Shows
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