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When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

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Garrison Keillor

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

Coffee, Girl, Nothing, Thinking
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I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.

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A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Christmas, Compulsory, Funny, Like, Love, Lovely

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

Drive, Four, Humor, Intelligent, Places, Remote

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

Elephantine, Gentle, Greed, People, Time, Vanity

God writes a lot of comedy. . . the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Actors, Bad, Comedy, Encouraging, Funny, Life
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