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When I think of the pace that I drove my first race, everything was happening a million miles an hour. Now when I get in the car everything happens so much slower.

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Chelsea Handler

Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.

Gun, Ideas, Office, Post, Secret
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A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

Camel, Camels, Israel, Say, Topless, Trying

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

Benefit, Funny, Human, Jobs, Mother, Sole

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

Anally, Care, Contraception, Funny, Humor

[Gordon Ramsay] knows about being bullied, because look at the size of him.

Being Bullied, Bullied, Knows, Looks, Size

I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies.

Baby, Figure, People, Pregnancy, Rest, Three
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