I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a … - Mitch Hedberg

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Academic and aristocratic people live in such an uncommon atmosphere that common sense can rarely reach them.

Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"

Found, Funny, Humor, Like, Million, Pie

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I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

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When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

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