A mighty good sausage stuffer was spoiled when the man became a poet.
The problem with my balloon collection is that people always think there's a party. Settle down. It's not a party. It's just balloons.
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude. ' 'Dude, these are isotopes. ' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine. ' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies. '
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left. '
Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.
I speak English, so I am no longer cute. My tongue itches for French.
Envy grieves. Jealousy rages.
Only a fool worries over what he can’t control.
The biggest risk is to take no risk at all