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I hardly ever use pencils. I'm left-handed and it's really messy if you're left-handed because of the graphite smudging. I use them more now than I used to because there's, like, 15,000 pencils all over my house.

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Zach Galifianakis

I'm not versed enough in constitutional law to run for office. I'd have to go back to school or something.

Enough, Law, Office, Run, Running, School
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I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Children, Funny, Humor, Playing, Say

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Candy, Fat, Funny, Girl, Humor

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

Charades, Couple, Funny, Girlfriend, Night

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

Choice, Choices, People, School, Thought, Used

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

Guy, Happy, Needs, Society, Step, Watches
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