Top Bill Engvall Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Bill Engvall Biography

William Ray "Bill" Engvall Jr. (born July 27, 1957) is an American comedian and actor best known for his work as a stand-up comic, his signature "Here's Your Sign" bit, and as a member of the Blue Collar Comedy group.

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Bill Engvall Quotes

You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My Bad!".

Bad, Freeway, Funny, House, Humor, Take

This guy from L. A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball. " So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.

Ball, Baseball, Dog, Funny, Guy, Know

If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.

Heaven, Listen, Long, Song, Stairway, Thought

I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.

Believe, Heart, Men, Stomach, Way

To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.

Song, Stop, Using, Writing, Xmas

I told my wife I'm afraid to go back to the doctor because I'm afraid they're going to look at you and say: 'ma'am, just sell him for parts. It's like that old car that as soon as you fix one thing, something else goes out on it.

Car, Doctors, Fix, Sell, Thing, Wife

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good. . . They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it.

Animal, Channel, Discovery, Hurt, Hurts, Watching

My son is 12 now, and is really getting into girls. A lot. But the thing about twelve year old boys is that they don't possess what I like to call that. . . discretionary gene yet. We were walking home from the ballfield the other day and there was a woman walking towards us who was. . . gifted. I saw them, and I saw him see them. But she was too close for me to go, "Dude, shut up. " She hadn't walked two feet behind us and he goes "God dang, did you see the SIZE of those things?" And all I could say was "Yeah, I did!"

Close, Funny, Girl, Home, Thing, Things

I am out in public and using the phone. I am in a phone booth, got the phone in my hand and a man taps on the glass and says You using the phone? Nope, I'm superman, i am just looking for my costume. Here's your sign!

Glasses, Hand, Looking, Men, Phones, Public

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn't resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign.

Attendant, Gas Stations, Resist, Sides, Three

Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It's a honey die list.

Die, Gutters, Honey, Light, Notice

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign.

House, Moving, See, Sign, Wife

You can't climb a tile wall.

Climb, Climbs, Tile, Tiles, Wall

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid. ' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

Ask, Funny, Hate, Stupid, Way, Wear

If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!

Drives, Mother, Pants, School

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. . . welcome to my world.

Argument, Collects, Stupid, Ties, Twist, Wife

You can't tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!

Ass, Kiss, Kissing, Scooters, Somebody, Tell

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

Funny, Garage, Honey, Humor, List, Welcome

I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there's a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood. My buddy says to me you think he's been hunting? Nope, They're probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here's your sign!

Buddy, Dead, Giving, Hunting, Says, Thinking

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

Achieve, Audience, Feelings, Looks, See, World

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Bill Engvall Biography

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