An army of lovers shall not fail.
Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.
How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: When you gonna wear these for me? She goes, I can't. They're your daughter's. Aaahh! No, no, no! There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass. . . but you just pushed my jackass button.
Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey. . . " (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".
We are the love, the lover, the loving, and the love. It is the Supreme. It is the deepest force in our lives.
You know, they are fooling us, there is no God.
Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.
I am always pleased when I have the opportunity of meeting with the Latter-day Saints in any of their gatherings.