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I try not to remember the life that I didn’t want to lose but lost and have to remember

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Dave Attell

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

Funny, Give, Giving, Humor, Masturbating, Window
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Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What has pot given the world? Hackey sack? YEAH! Hilarious ring tones? OH GAH! Ultimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can't get you laid. It's an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.

Championships, Frisbee, Funny, Morning, Sports, Yeah

I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so. . . I'm not kiddin!

Girl, Skiing, Today, Wanna, Yeah

Jesse Joyce is a great writer.

Great Writers, Jesse, Joyce, Writer

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

Back, Drunk, Funny, Humor, Passed, Took

If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

Call, Funny, Humor, Kids, Likes, Things
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