I would have picked up the artificial heart and thrown it on the floor and walked out and said he's dead if the press had not been there.
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself god I just wasted half the day.
How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?
God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: When you gonna wear these for me? She goes, I can't. They're your daughter's. Aaahh! No, no, no! There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass. . . but you just pushed my jackass button.
Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey. . . " (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".
Patients are patients because they are out of rapport with their own unconscious. . . Patients are people who have had too much programming - so much outside programming that they have lost touch with their inner selves.
I too complain ceaselessly in my heart and in my words too. My very life is a protest. Against government, for instance.
When you are failing, you are forced to be creative, to dig deep and think, night and day.
Stop going to church everywhere and start belonging to church somewhere.