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I do not believe that there are any such things as gods and goddesses, for exactly the same reasons as I do not believe there are fairies, goblins or sprites, and these reasons should be obvious to anyone over the age of ten.

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Zach Galifianakis

I'm the most mellow person offstage. I think it's just, going onstage lets me get out some frustration that I'm too shy to do in real life. Instead of doing it in private, I'd rather do it in front of 1,000 people who've paid $25 to see me lose my mind.

Front, Frustration, Life, Paid, Real, Thinking
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I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

Children, Funny, Humor, Playing, Say

I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.

Candy, Fat, Funny, Girl, Humor

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

Charades, Couple, Funny, Girlfriend, Night

When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.

Choice, Choices, People, School, Thought, Used

I watch a happy person doing stand-up, and I go, "What the hell is this? This person's happy!" You need internal conflict. You need the guy to be out of step with society. It's a tool for comedy.

Guy, Happy, Needs, Society, Step, Watches
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