[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't … - Steven Wright

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Quote of the day

Like the people that in the 60s or 70s claimed the "end of painting" - all they did was open up a whole new branch for painting. Happily, it doesn't work. It's not a reason for art. Closing something out is not a reason for something to exist.

Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

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Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring. . . 'How to Build a Boat. '

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If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. . . I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

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We discovered that if your friend's friend's friend gained weight, you gained weight. We discovered that if your friend's friend's friend stopped smoking, you stopped smoking. And we discovered that if your friend's friend's friend became happy, you became happy.

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The greatest threat to America is not necessarily a recession or even another terrorist attack. The greatest threat to America is a liberal media bias.

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The future of Haiti must be linked to the respect of the rights of every single citizen.

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After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird.

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