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I'm excited to win a pole at Atlanta, one of the tracks you look forward to qualifying at every single year, and really happy to beat Ryan Newman, who is hard to beat here.

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Jerry Seinfeld

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

American, Average, Funeral, Mean, Public
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Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Birthday, Epic, Freedom, Funny, Men, Thing

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

Expands, Fame, Joke, Possibility, Want, Work

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Funny, Humorous, Music, Shower, Thanks

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Deserve, Hilarious, Lied, Lying, People, Tabloids

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Failure, Head, Keep, Not Giving Up, Success
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