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I love boating - not flash, 'noisy go fast' nonsense, but the general relaxation of it. My wife and I love to get in our little Wellcraft and go as far out to sea as we can, hopefully beyond land. That is the best thing you can ever do. It clears your psyche.

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Bill Engvall

I think my wife puts up with me 'cause I try. I think that's all any guy can do is just try. That's right! 'Cause we ain't never gunna get it. 'Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It's like this memo goes out, 'they're getting close, change it, change it!'

Guy, Ladies, Right, Thinking, Wife
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How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

Farted, Hard, Shivered

God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: When you gonna wear these for me? She goes, I can't. They're your daughter's. Aaahh! No, no, no! There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.

Daughter, Growing Up, Helping, Men, Said, Winnie

When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.

Achieve, Audience, Feelings, Looks, See, World

Lady, I didn't get up this morning wanting to be a jackass. . . but you just pushed my jackass button.

Button, Funny, Humor, Lady, Morning, Wanting

Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey. . . " (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Dad, Said, Son, Yesterday
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