Top Jackie Mason Quotes - Quotesmemo.com

Jackie Mason Biography

Jackie Mason (born June 9, 1931) is an American stand-up comedian and film and television actor. He is ranked #63 on Comedy Central's 100 greatest stand-up comedians of all-time.

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Jackie Mason Quotes

I always thought music was more important than sex—then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

Bother, Hear, Important, Music, Sex, Years

A person who speaks good English in New York sounds like a foreigner.

English, Foreigner, New York, Person, Sound, Speak

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man?. . . Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

Guy, Man, Men, Shapes, Stand, Women

I was so self -conscious, every time football players went into a huddle, I thought they were talking about me.

Football, Huddle, Player, Self, Talking, Time

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

Future, I Can, People, Predict, Respect, Trying

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?

Acting, Faith, Humility, Love, Thyself

I've found that my humor goes over big in London.

Bigs, Found, Humor, London

I'm still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, Give me a gun, I'll wipe out the whole German Army in five minutes. He said, You're crazy! I said, Write it down!

Crazy, Reached, Shock, Taking, War, Writing

As a class, Jews give three times as much money to charity as anybody else, but they feel guilty about their wealth anyway. They simply can't accept the idea of ever being Republicans.

Class, Giving, Ideas, Jews, Wealth

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

Accountants, Accounts, Away, Payable, Ran

I've got a friend who is half-Jewish and half-Italian. If he can't buy it wholesale, he steals it!

Buy, Friend, Half, Italian, Stealing, Wholesale

The New York Times distorts and defrauds the news and then claims to be impartial. They never give an even-handed version of the news - that's the last thing they'd ever do.

Claims, Defrauds, Giving, New York, News, Version

Comparing what the Democrats offer to what the Republicans offer is like comparing the money I have in my pocket to what Bill Gates has in his.

Bill, Bills, Offer, Pocket, Pockets, Republican

The New York Times does an unbelievable amount of damage because every day television and radio stations along with the rest of media take their lead on the way the news should be presented along with what actually is the news.

Doe, Media, New York, News, Rest, Take

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

Congressman, Death, Life, Profitable, Suicide, Support

Would you put a pastrami in your mouth if you didn't want to eat it?

Drug, Mouths, Want, Mouth, Pastrami, Eat

Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

Everybody, Jerusalem, Knows, Land

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

Approval, Jew, Laughing, Looking, Wife

Hillary Clinton's life has been filled with corruption but nobody cares.

Care, Corruption, Clinton, Hillary, Filled

I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.

Contribute, Crazy, Jewish Values, Peaceful, People, Values

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Jackie Mason Biography

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