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Tim Vine Biography

Timothy Mark "Tim" Vine (born 4 March 1967) is an English writer, actor, comedian and presenter, known for his quick-fire puns and his role on the BBC series Not Going Out until his departure in 2012. He has released a number of DVDs of his stand-up comedy and has written several joke books. In 2010 and 2014, Vine won the award for best joke at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. His winning jokes were: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again" and “I decided to sell my Hoover ... well it was just collecting dust.” He was the runner up in 2011, 2012 and 2013.

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Tim Vine Quotes

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Exit, Funny, Humor, People, Signs, Way

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

Birth, Eggs, Funny, Humor, Litter, Stick

Conjunctivitis. com — that’s a site for sore eyes

Com, Eye, Eyes, Site, Sore, Sore Eyes

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris. ' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin. ' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Funny, Humor, Martin, Paris, Said, Train

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels. " He said, "You've got cholera. "

Cholera, Doctors, Frightened, Funny, Humor, Said

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are. '

Funny, Home, Humor, Picked, Please, Voice

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Funny, Humor, Hunt, Night, Saboteur

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me. "

Asked, Funny, Humor, Thinking, Voluntary, Work

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

Excessively, Pun, Real, Real Life, Thing

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Holiday, Lifetime, Once In A Lifetime, Tell

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from. '

Funny, Humor, Local, Rang, Said, Swimming

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle. " The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

Blokes, Funny, Humor, Kenwood, Kettle, Shop

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me. "

Came, Funny, Humor, Policeman, Said, Vines

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

Gets, Mean, Places, Rocks, Star, Stars

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Dentist, Down, Filing, Filing Cabinet, Funny, Humor

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

Anyway, Effort, Influenced, People, Silly, Tempted

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

Dad, Enjoying, Like, Son, Years

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

Bronze, Olympics, Part, Sun, Tanning, Took

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it. '

Car, Funny, Humor, Look, Oysters, Said

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

Condense, Confidence, People, Silly, Stuff, Tell

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